Category: Empowered to Connect

The last strategy in The Whole-Brain Child is directed at helping children navigate the conflict they will inevitably have with other children (school, siblings, etc.) by using some mindsight skills. Mindsight is “understanding our own mind as well as understanding the mind of another,” and understanding the mind of another is the focus of Strategy 12: Connection Through Conflict.

Earlier in the chapter, Siegel and Bryson speak about the brain as being wired for “we.” They say, “… what happens between brains has a great deal to do with what happens within each individual brain. Self and community are fundamentally interrelated, since every brain is continually constructed by its interactions with others.” And of course one of the interactions that will happen between brains is conflict, so what do we teach our children?  We teach them to:

• Recognize the other’s point of view
• “Read” nonverbal communication
• Repair and make things right

When we teach our children to recognize the other’s point of view, we are trying to elicit empathy. We can do this by asking them how they think another person feels or why they think someone reacted a certain way. As we get our children to recognize other points of view, we also want them to read nonverbal communication. We want them to understand body language. And the last (and possibly the hardest) is repair. We do want our children to say sorry, but sometimes they need to take some further steps to repair the parts of their relationships that have been ravaged by conflict. “Sometimes a sincere a apology is enough, especially when combined with honesty and sincerity… but kids also need to learn what it means to go the extra mile and take specific steps toward reconciliation.”

So what does this look like? Well, with Elise, a 4 year old, and Maggie, a 1 year old, we are not making great leaps and strides here, but we are laying a foundation. When a toy is grabbed away, when someone is accidentally (or not) shoved, we ask Elise how she thinks a sobbing Maggie feels. Then we have Elise check on Maggie, try to hug Maggie or rub her back, and if the conflict involves a toy we try to work out sharing or trading. We also encourage Elise to use words (not just grabbing) when they have a conflict, so that she can be a model for Maggie. And frankly, this is a daily occurrence at our house, so we are going to keep practicing and encouraging empathy in our children.

As much as I would like to have conflict-free days, Siegel and Bryson say, “If [our children] are going to be in relationships, they’re going to face quarrels and disagreements,” so let’s teach them these mindsight skills.  When “children develop these mindsight skills, they can learn to balance the importance of their own inner lives with those of others.” Learning to balance what you are feeling and what another person is feeling is a difficult task, so we need to start helping our children sort through conflict.

I know some of these strategies sound like common sense, but honestly, they are not my first instinct. My first instinct is to stop the situation, the sooner the better, not to mediate who gets the Dora microphone first, but my kids will benefit from me taking the time to implement these strategies. They will benefit from me resisting my first instinct, taking a deep breath, and calmly teaching them how to consider one another and make the necessary repairs to their relationship.

I have spent the summer months summarizing each strategy in The Whole-Brain Child, but I want you know that there is so much in this book. At the end of each strategy, the authors include illustrations that show families acting out the strategies. Then at the end of each chapter, the book provides illustrations to show how to teach the concepts about the brain to your child, and each chapter includes a section called Integrating Ourselves which is directed at us, the parents. Taking the time to read and process the Integrating Ourselves content might be difficult, but understanding your past and how it affects your relationships will help you see where you can make changes and better connect with your children.

Pick up a copy of The Whole-Brain Child so you can further explore the concepts presented in the book and practice the strategies with your children. And once you’re done practicing, well, practice some more. I’m sure your children will present you with plenty of opportunities—I know mine will.

You would think this strategy goes without saying, but let’s be honest: sometimes your child’s idea of fun isn’t fun for you at all. Especially when your child wants you to act out the same scene over and over again (a frequent occurrence at our house). But the reality is how you relate to your kids has a big impact on how they learn to relate to others.

Before we can talk about strategy 11, we need to know some more about the brain. Our brains do not function best alone as a “me”; “the brain is a social organ, made to be in relationship.” The brain has mirror neurons which enable us to mirror what we see others doing, feeling, etc. So it’s our job to model the kinds of relationships we want our kids to have, and to model the skills you need to make relationships work like empathy. If we are modeling the kind of behaviors we desire, our children will be able to mirror our behavior and emotions.

In regard to emotions, we need to set the right emotional temperature for our child. The authors explain the concept of emotional contagion: “The internal states of others—from joy and playfulness to sadness and fear—directly affect our own state of mind.” If we are stressed, our child will fee stress. If we are anxious, our child will feel anxious. If we are excited and playful, our child will be excited and playful.

We also need to create an open, receptive state of mind, or as the authors say, a “yes” state of mind. We don’t want a closed, reactive or “no” state of mind. The reactive state of mind is the “fight-flight-freeze response state.” We do not want to encourage those responses; they originate in the amygdala, which we have been trying to learn to integrate. Remember, we don’t want to exclusively engage with what The Whole-Brain Child calls the “downstairs brain.”

So if you’re trying to model behavior, keep an appropriate emotional temperature, and cultivate a “yes” state of mind, what are you doing with your children? You should be having fun. Here’s Siegel and Bryson:

“Playful parenting is one of the best ways to prepare your children for relationships and encourage them to connect with others. That’s because it gives them positive experiences being with people they spend the most time with: their parents … With every fun, enjoyable experience you give your children while they are with family, you provide them with positive reinforcement about what it means to be in loving relationship with others … Experience strengthens the bonds between you and teaches your kids that relationships are affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling.”

We need to be intentional about playing games and having fun between parents and children, as well as among siblings. Our intentionality can positively affect long-term relationships. I desire to have a close long-term relationship with my girls, so I found the following words from the authors encouraging:

“So if you want to develop close long-term relationships between your kids, think of it as a math equation, where the amount of enjoyment they share together should be greater than the conflict they experience. You’re never going to get the conflict side of the equation to zero. Siblings argue; they just do. But if you can increase the other side of the equation, giving them activities that produce positive emotions and memories, you’ll create strong bonds between them and set up a relationship that has a good chance of remaining solid for life.”

So, what does this look like in my house? It’s blowing kazoos for way longer than I wanted to because the girls are making each other laugh uncontrollably. It’s drawing and painting together. It’s teaching games like “Ring Around the Rosie” or marching around the house with instruments. As long as I stay interested, my girls will stay interested.

We just got back from a week at family camp, and I enjoyed the opportunity to do activities together as a family: bowling, nature walks, swinging and more swinging. I think what I like most about family camp is seeing my girls enjoy each other. Now, they have their moments of conflict, but I forget about that when I see them playing and laughing and smiling together. It’s contagious and makes my husband and I smile and laugh, too.

Having fun and positive experiences are good for our children’s brains because they release the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is like the chemical of “reward.” Basically our brains reward us for having fun. So go out and have some fun. I have a package of water balloons that I am debating on whether to have a water balloon fight with the girls or have the girls ambush dad with water balloons when he gets home from work. Either way should make for some good fun and lots of dopamine.