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By Annie, April 24, 2012 12:00 pm

While waiting for Maggie to join our family, someone asked, “Do you think you will love Maggie more than Elise?” I think they asked because Maggie is biological and Elise was adopted. That question has stuck with me. I remember I was initially taken aback, and emphatically assured the questioner that I would love them the same because they are both my daughters. And I do.

But sometimes it feels easier to love Maggie more, especially when I am on the receiving end of a rant or have been found lacking: Elise, “Mom, I wish she was my mom (pointing to random neighbor in middle of the street) because she’s better at blowing bubbles.” Logic did not work here about how I was given a defective bottle of bubbles. A full day later and after blowing bubbles for 20 minutes, Elise recanted and said I was the best mom. Whew, glad I got that fixed. (Maggie just doesn’t have enough words to offer her criticism of me – yet.)

So, as I have muddled over this question, I read the chapter on attachment in Curt Thompson’s book Anatomy of the Soul and found some relief:

“Each child is born into the world with a certain genetically predetermined temperament to which the parent reacts. This parental reaction then elicits the particular attachment pattern that the child tends to develop with each parent. That explains why no two siblings ever really grow up in the same home. For no two children have exactly the same temperament, so each elicits different emotional reactions from his or her parents…An attachment pattern, therefore, is relationship specific.”

I have five siblings, so this really resonated with me. My siblings and I are all different, and I have often said out loud, “Didn’t we grow up in the same home?” We did, but we all have had our own unique experiences because we each have our own relationships with our parents and with each other.

So I think I’ve been pondering a null question and confusing my love with our attachment or how we relate to each other. Will I love my children the same? Of course, I love both my children, but I do have different relationships with each of them. (Maybe I need to work on some of the emotional reactions our relationships elicit, but that’s a whole different post.) I relate differently to Maggie and Elise not because one entered my family through adoption and the other through birth, but because they are different people. And I understand now that that’s okay.

BTW, Curt Thompson (author of Anatomy of the Soul) will be the featured speaker at the 2012 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference on October 27, 2012.  Be sure to mark your calendars now to join us for this free all-day conference at Irving Bible Church.

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By Annie, April 17, 2012 1:00 pm

I want to read enough, study enough so I can ace parenting. The more I research and give myself; the more Elise pushes back with her emotions. When she says, “Nobody loves me…will you still love me forever…will you be here in the morning,” it feels like failure. It feels like all the work I’ve done and knowledge I’ve gained on attachment and parenting isn’t working. I feel defeated, but I can’t give up. I think maybe the next ten times I say I love you and reassure her of my stability will be enough. But maybe she will come back with her concerns, and it will feel like failure again. I think the feeling of failure stems from the lack of control I feel.

I have been reading “Anatomy of the Soul,” by Curt Thompson and he has this to say:

“We have most valued knowing facts, knowing the ‘truth,’ and knowing that we are right…We have failed to see that this need to be right, to be rationally orderly and correct, subtly but effectively prevents us from the experience of being known, of loving, and being loved, which is the highest call of humanity…Knowing that we are absolutely right about a lot of things is very important to our survival and sense of well-being. That includes knowing or knowing things, about people. And about God. It is not hard to see why we are infatuated with knowing things in this way. It gives us the illusion that we are secure and in charge. We are no longer vulnerable. We believe we are safe, protected, and happy.”

I want to have gotten enough knowledge to handle every situation, to be in control. I want to manage Elise’s emotions in a way that is comfortable and not overwhelming for me – to have things under control, but it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, she just needs to cry every morning for the past 11 months because daddy went to work, and she misses him. Logically, this does not make sense to me; I mean he comes back everyday. So do I teach her shove her feelings aside because I don’t want to deal with them or do I help her? Obviously, I help her. It is exhausting.

Thompson goes on to say some things about emotion:

1. Emotion is something that you regulate and that regulates you.
2. Emotional states are not influenced or created in isolation.
3. Emotion is not debatable.
4. While categorical emotions are universal across time, cultures, and gender, primary emotion does not always present itself in the same way.

Or in my words,

1. I have to pay attention to my emotions and what I’m feeling.
2. What I’m feeling affects those around me (including Elise).
3. If Elise has been sad everyday for the past 11 months, then she’s been sad. I can’t argue with her over that.
4. Elise is not going to express her emotions the same way I would (though that would make things easier for me).

I am still working my way through “Anatomy of the Soul”, but it is helping me understand myself so that I can better relate and understand Elise. It is exhausting and hard work, but at the end day, I do want to tell her as many times as she needs that, “I love her; I love her forever; And that I will be here in the morning.”

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By Annie, April 12, 2012 10:00 am

When we first learned about the Empowered to Connect concepts, Elise was eighteen months old. We still started implementing what we learned, and we are thankful that we had tools to help us through various conflicts. The tool that is helping us the most right now is “try it again.” We try everything again. At the first hint of correction, Elise will usually try to head you off by asking if she can try it again. Sometimes Elise even recreates scenarios days later so she can try it again and again and again. She loves it, and we do, too.

But sometimes, I find myself the one needing to try it again. Only, I’m not as quick as Elise to jump at a chance to redo. Usually, I’m chastising myself for losing my temper or patience again, instead of offering myself the same chance to try again at connecting with Elise – instead of modeling the behavior I want Elise to learn.

Do you let yourself try it again or only your kids? Do you give yourself grace and compassion too or only defeat and chastisement? Do you ask for forgiveness or only expect your children to?

Watch as Amy Monroe talks about learning and modeling how to repair.

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By Annie, April 11, 2012 12:00 pm

Over the Easter weekend, my parents, my youngest brothers, and my sister, her husband, and their daughter came in. My brother and his wife who also live up here joined us. Elise loves when all her family comes to see her. She didn’t even mind loaning out her room to Uncle Andrew and Uncle Ben. She probably wishes she could sleep on an air mattress in mom and dad’s room every night.

On Saturday, we took the girls to the Easter Eggsperience at Irving Bible Church. Elise did everything: petting zoo, egg hunt, face painting, carnival games, and bounce houses. Maggie participated in the egg hunt with some help from her daddy. The girls had a good time, so we will be taking them back next year.

Here are some pictures of all the fun they had over the weekend.

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By Annie, April 10, 2012 12:00 pm

Elise  does a lot that gets me thinking. She’s learning to recognize rhymes, but right now she just points out parts of words that are the same: upstairs/downstairs or inside/outside.  In this particular exchange, she focused on the word adopt.

Elise asks, “Remember you adopted me?”

ME: I do remember.

Elise, “And Mary adopted Jesus. That’s the same word adopt, adopt.”

ME: Who told you Mary adopted Jesus?

Elise, “God. I prayed to him and He said Mary and Joseph adopted Jesus. And then He died.”

Now, I am not interested in getting technical with her statement. It’s just an insight into an almost 4 year old’s mind. But isn’t it cool that she’s already identified herself with Jesus because of adoption? And isn’t cool that’s she right? Adopt and adopt – it is the same word. We adopted her into our family and God adopts us into his family.

Then just yesterday, we were walking around the mall and Elise asked, “Mom, when are you going to adopt Maggie?” I said, “I am not going to adopt Maggie because I gave birth to her.” She said, “You only adopted me?” Me, “Yes.” I only adopted Elise, but it only changed our lives forever. I’m so thankful for adoption