The first strategy discussed in the Whole Brain Child is Connect and Redirect: Surfing Emotional Waves. The example used in the book is of an upset child coming to the parent shortly after going to bed, and the parent has to choose between redirecting the child or connecting and then redirecting.
I’m sure we’ve all been there. You’re tired or already asleep and in comes your sweet child seemingly wide awake. A couple weeks ago, this happened to us in the middle of the night, and one exasperated parent sent Elise back to bed before hearing what she said which resulted in her stomping out and slamming her door – at midnight. (And you’re left thinking: lovely, now the baby will wake up and we are all awake and tomorrow is going to stink.) It was a good two to three hours before Elise could be calmed back down; take my word for it, sleep deprived parenting is not the best.
So what would have been a better way to handle this situation? Siegel and Bryson say, “In a moment like this, parents wonder whether their child is really in need or just trying to stall bedtime. Whole-brain parenting doesn’t mean letting yourself be manipulated or reinforcing bad behavior. On the contrary, by understanding how your child’s brain works, you can create cooperation much more quickly and often with far less drama.” Less drama? Sign me up! They go on to say, “When a child is upset logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs…’connect and redirect’…begins with helping our kids ‘feel felt’ before we try to solve problems or address the situation logically.”
I tried to paraphrase the principles to keep in mind when applying the first strategy: Connect and Redirect below:
Step 1: Connect with the Right Brain (Emotional, Nonverbal, Experiential, Autobiographical)
- Logic isn’t the primary vehicle for bringing sanity
- Our child’s feelings are real and important to the child
- Use nonverbal signs
- Physical touch
- Empathetic facial expressions
- Nurturing tone of voice
- Nonjudgmental listening
Step 2: Redirect with the Left Brain(Logical, Linguistic, Literal)
- Sometimes the emotional waves just need to crash until the storm passes
- Child may simply need to eat or get some sleep
- Rules about respect and behavior still apply
- Inappropriate behavior (as defined by your family) remains off-limits even in moments of high emotion
- Good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down (the middle of the night is not a good time)
“The key here,” according to Siegel and Bryson, “is that when your child is drowning in a right brain emotional flood, you’ll do yourself (and your child) a big favor if you connect before you redirect.” I think the other key is that the redirecting is not always immediate. Sometimes the connecting takes time. Elise may need a snack and some one on one time before she is ready to discuss what happened. And we have definitely experienced letting the “emotional waves crash until the storm passes.” Mainly, we (Elise’s parents) have to work on keeping our cool and being patient – even in the middle of the night.
Maggie got to celebrate her birthday three times: once with my parents, once with us, and once with Scott’s family. And each time she was deathly afraid of the Happy Birthday Song.
Well Maggie has been one for two weeks, and she’s still growing like a weed. She’s tapered off a bit from her 90% to 75% for height and 40% for weight, but she’s still tall.
Maggie’s birthday was Friday, May 11. Scott was able to take some time off from work so we could celebrate together. We celebrated with birthday donuts, presents, painting pottery, playing at the mall, and chik fil a for dinner.
I just started reading the The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Byrson, Ph.D. The sub-title states that it is twelve revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind.
I won’t pretend that I’m a brain expert or even good at explaining the brain, but I like what I’ve read in Chapter 1 “Parenting with the Brain in Mind:”
“What molds are brains? Experience…It means that we aren’t held captive for the rest of our lives by the way our brain works at this moment…Genes, of course, play a large role in how people turn out, especially in terms of temperament…parents have much they can do to provide the kinds of experiences that will help develop a resilient, well-integrated brain…An integrated brain results in improved decision making, better control of body and emotions, fuller self understanding, stronger relationships, and success in school.”
Honestly, I felt relief that I didn’t cause Elise’s temperament, but at the same time, there’s probably much I have done to influence how she handles herself through out day. Thankfully how Elise has learned to relate to the world can be influenced by experiences; she can learn. And I can learn how to better nurture her developing mind, too; we don’t have to feel stuck (held captive) to our current experiences. To help me and Elise on this journey, the authors talk about navigating the waters between chaos and rigidity:
“So one extreme is chaos, where there’s lack of control. The other extreme is rigidity, where there’s too much control, leading to a lack of flexibility and adaptability. We all move back and forth between these two banks as we go through our days – especially as we’re trying to survive parenting. When we are closest to the banks of chaos or rigidity, we’re farthest from mental and emotional health.”
I think we have definitely experienced some days where we were far from emotional and mental health. So as we enter into the summer days that were very trying for us last summer, I am thankful to have a book that will help me navigate the waters between chaos and rigidity. Here’s to hoping we all end the summer in good mental and emotional health!
Elise was pretending to make a mad face in the picture to the left, but that face is reflective of how everyone in our family felt over the weekend.
We feel like we have been in the depths these past couple of days. A flurry of activity, a little sister’s birthday party, Mother’s Day events, scary blue monsters, bears, and ants waking us up in the middle of night (AKA nightmares), parents being accused of all manner of things (by the children), trying it again and again and again, and “time in” (as opposed to “time out”) have made for an exhausting weekend. The kind of weekend where you planned family time to celebrate a birthday and Mother’s Day, but your children just wanted their regular routine. And you are left trying to salvage the day without losing your mind. When will it end, we wonder? Will it end? Will we get back to normal again?
NT Wright offers this prayer: “Gracious Lord, when we are in the depths, come to us with your mercy and assure us of your power to rescue. And give us the patience to wait for you to do it.”
I mean that prayer to be directed at me, not my children. I need the Lord to rescue me from my exhaustion, impatience, and surly attitude so I can reconnect with my children. I have the knowledge; I have read the books; I have done the training. But can I keep my cool and recall what will best help my children or do I lose it?
In the final chapters of the book, Anatomy of the Soul, is Chapter 10 Neuroscience: Sin and Redemption. This chapter discusses shame, rupture, and repair. We and our children feel shame when we suffer a rupture, a disconnection.
The way he described shame struck a cord with me:
“…the sensation of shame is so basic to the human condition that perhaps the most precise definition is the painfully acute awareness that something is wrong with me. It is the felt sensation of deep inadequacy…Shame can develop in children as young as eighteen months of age; some researchers suspect even sooner. This suggests that the sensation and experience of shame is active in the mind and body of a child before the development of language and logical, linear thought processes. In other words, nonverbal cues such as facial expression and tone of voice may make a child feel shame long before she can logically comprehend why she feels that way.”
Thompson M.D., Curt (2010-05-24). Anatomy of the Soul (p. 193). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Then Thompson goes on to describe how we use rebukes (braking) appropriately, but if we do not help our child through those braking situations more issues can develop:
“Usually in this situation, however, a parent will quickly follow an abrupt rebuke with an expression of affection or an explanation to help the child make sense of his or her action. However, when this form of braking is not followed by a clear behavioral or logical reconnection, the child feels shame, which can lead to a barren wasteland of emotional confusion. This whiplash shift between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems can become wired so tightly in the child that the affect of shame is automatically triggered at the slightest hint of perceived disapproval.”
Thompson M.D., Curt (2010-05-24). Anatomy of the Soul (p. 194). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.
I would hate for any child to find themself in the “barren wasteland of emotional confusion.” And I know none of you are guilty of reacting out of exhaustion (the kind where you are woken up about 4-5 times in a hour only to experience it again 4 hours later and you start to think your children hate you and sleep), but if you have perhaps experienced a weak moment, then I recommend reading Anatomy of the Soul to find out more on shame, rupture, repair and yourself. While my posts have focused on relating to my children, there is more in Thompson book about recognizing what is going on with yourself and how to foster growth for yourself not just your children. It is definitely one of those books that I’ll find myself consulting again and again as I grow in all my relationships.
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