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By Annie, July 31, 2012 2:04 pm

Rejuvenate magazine did a piece on 40 people under the age of 40 in the faith-based community who, “serve others. They’re generous with their time and their knowledge. They’re planners who put their organizations’ best interests before their own and ministers who travel the world to share the gospel.”

To see the complete list click here: http://www.rejuvenatemeetings.com/the2012forty/

Or to just read about Scott, who is one of the nominees, click here: http://www.rejuvenatemeetings.com/2012/07/30/scottmcclellan/

I had to give him a shout out.

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By Annie, July 24, 2012 9:00 am

I found it difficult to find a time to apply Whole-Brain Strategy #9. SIFT stands for sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. We want our children to learn to pay attention to their physical sensations so they can understand what’s going on in their body. The idea is that our children can do the following:

“… SIFT for images that are affecting the way they look at and interact with the world … SIFT for feelings and emotions they are experiencing … Thoughts are different from feelings, sensations, and images in that they represent the more left-brained part of the SIFTing process. They are what we think about, what we tell ourselves, and how e narrate the story of our own lives, using words.”

The goal is to use these four areas to help our children understand what is going on inside.

We had a life event that we knew affected our oldest daughter, but we were having a difficult time finding out why or how to help. After discussing with some friends, we realized we had never talked our daughter through the event — the birth of her little sister.

Fourteen months ago, we welcomed our youngest daughter, Maggie, and Elise got a new little sister. While we spent three nights away from Elise, she was lovingly cared for by her grandparents. The only hint we had that anything was going on with Elise was that she was always up, dressed, and playing in her room before any of the adults were up (so before 6AM). In retrospect, she was probably still processing the stress of those three days and nights when her parents weren’t at home with her.

I think for the first 6 months of adjusting to two kids we were just doing damage control. Then as my husband and I began to regain our wits, we started getting more in tune with Elise’s needs, but we were still running into problems when we made plans to do something in the evening or when my husband needed to travel. As we continued to give Elise the support she needed, we started dreaming about being able to get away for the weekend. But we were nervous because we didn’t want to suffer any setbacks since it took us so long to recover from her little sister’s birth.

Following the advice of some friends, we used Whole-Brain Strategy #6: Use the Remote of the Mind to revisit the days around Maggie’s birth. The first time Elise and I talked about it, she didn’t say much, but the next time was very enlightening. As I walked Elise through each day and event, she revealed what she had been dealing with. She told me that she missed us while we were gone, and she asked me if they needed to use scissors and if I was worried about the tools in the hospital hurting me.  I don’t remember telling her anything of those things, but she did come in the hospital room while I was in bed with an IV.

I asked her, “Were you worried I was going to get hurt?” Her answer was yes, accompanied with tears. Then as we talked about the day we all left the hospital together, Elise asked if my legs didn’t work because I had to leave the hospital in the wheelchair, so we talked about that, too. Then we pulled out Maggie’s baby book and oohed and ahhed over the tiny baby and remembered the happy memories (Whole-Brain Strategy #7: Remember to Remember). And as we remembered that time 14 months ago, we also talked about how we felt sad and worried at that time, but those feelings changed and now we feel happy and joyful (Whole-Brain Strategy #8: Let the Clouds of Emotions Roll By). And after we went through that whole process of remembering and talking about emotions, I finally understood Whole-Brain Strategy #9: SIFT: Paying Attention to What’s Going on Inside.

Elise had these images of hospital tools and thoughts of my legs not working and residual feelings of worry and sadness. And until we took the time to talk her through that event, she was probably always going to be plagued by those thoughts, images, and feelings when talking about mom and dad spending a night away. Now, I wish I could tell you that my husband and I just got back for a relaxing vacation, but we haven’t. I am hopeful that when we plan a trip we will be able to talk Elise through some of things she’s thinking and feeling about us leaving.

We hope we can enable her to let go of some the worry and sadness, and if we’re successful, we won’t spend the months that follow untangling the emotions incurred by a few nights away. Also, if we’re successful, our daughter will be able to better focus on wrapping her grandparents around her little finger while we’re gone.

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By Annie, July 19, 2012 9:00 am

The first strategy in Chapter 5 of The Whole-Brain Child addresses feelings. While we are striving to get our children to understand their feelings, we also need them to understand that their feelings change: “… feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions.” Siegel and Bryson explain why this is an important distinction:

“When children experience a particular state of mind, such as feeling frustrated or lonely, they may be tempted to define themselves based on that temporary experience, as opposed to understanding that that’s simply how they feel at the moment. Instead of saying, ‘I feel lonely’ or ‘I feel sad right now,’ they say, ‘I am lonely’ or ‘I am sad.’ The danger is that the temporary state of mind can be perceived as a permanent part of their self. The state comes to be seen as a trait that defines who they are.”

My oldest child is four, and she is not defining herself by her emotions – yet. But she can definitely get stuck in an unpleasant cycle of her emotions. So what do you do? In the book there is an illustration to demonstrate how to teach that feelings come and go. There’s a little girl who is mad at her dog for ripping her picture, and she hates her dog. The adult acknowledges her feelings, points out that’s how she feels in the present moment, describes a scenario when she felt love for her dog, and then uses those two moments to point out how her feelings change.

Right before the teaching example is the example of when we dismiss and deny. The adult says, “I’m sorry, honey, that Moby ripped your picture. Don’t worry though, you’ll get to paint another one at school.” I do that. I dismiss and deny my daughter’s feelings. Since reading this, I have caught myself several times. My intent is not to dismiss and deny; I think I’m helping my child get past their feelings. But what I’m really doing is shoving their feelings out of the way so I don’t have to deal with them. And then everyone “looks” happier.

I began making an effort to teach my four year old that feelings come and go — especially since I just needed to replace a little sister for the dog in the above scenario. Well, I’m hoping I get better with practice. So far I’ve felt clumsy with my words. I am really good at saying, “I’m sorry that you are angry that your sister has a toy. Remember when you were happy to play with her when she woke up this morning?” But I couldn’t ever remember how the cartoon demonstration ended: “See how sometimes you feel love and sometimes you feel anger? Your feelings change all the time, don’t they?” That makes sense, but whatever I said probably didn’t. Plus, my four year old daughter usually corrected me on what emotion she was feeling, so I probably need practice there, too.

For now, this strategy of teaching that emotions come and go is helping me be present through the emotions (usually I want to run far away from the screaming and crying). But I also think it would be helpful to revisit this idea of emotions coming and going during a calm, happy time. I found my daughter and I were using the strategy mostly during an angry or sad time referring back to a happy time. I wonder what connections my daughter could make when we referred back to a sad time when she is happy?

Or maybe I could just comment on her beautiful smile and ask how she feels, so that I can point out that her emotions changed. I figure it’s worth the try, and I need the practice.

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By Annie, July 13, 2012 12:24 pm

Some of you may know that Scott is more the writer than I even though he does owe everything he knows about editing to me and my college textbooks. Well, this week he shared on his personal blog about the book he’s been writing: The book is called Tell Me a Story: Finding God (and Ourselves) Through Narrative, and it’ll be released by Moody Publishers in March 2013.

He’s been working very hard and using whatever free time he can find to work on this project. To find out more visit his site http://www.scottlikes.com/ and you can even sign up for his newsletter here. So go ahead and check it out, I know he will appreciate the support.

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By Annie, July 12, 2012 9:00 am

Last week we took a look at integrating implicit and explicit memories with Whole-Brain Strategy #6: Use the Remote of the Mind: Replaying Memories. Whole-Brain Strategy #7: Remember to Remember: Making Recollection a Part of Your Family’s Daily Life gives us another way to help our children integrate implicit and explicit memories:

“Memory is like so many functions of the brain: the more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. That means that when you give your children lots of practice—remembering by having them tell and retell their own stories—you improve their ability to integrate implicit and explicit memories. So our second suggestion is simply that you remember to remember.”

To help your children remember you can:

• Ask questions
• Play guessing games
• Make a special/memory book

We assume you talk to your children, so practicing remembering is not just conversation. Asking questions and playing guessing games will help our children become aware of recent events and connect them to their present feelings. The goal is help your children understand their experiences because sometimes the past effects the present even though we may not be aware. That’s why we want to integrate our children’s implicit and explicit memories, so they can become aware of what they are remembering. But I think this exercise is as important for parents as it is our children.

At the end of each chapter in The Whole-Brain Child is a section for parents. The end of chapter 4 addresses, “Integrating Ourselves: Moving Our Own Memories from Implicit to Explicit:”

“Unexamined (or dis-integrated) memories cause all kinds of problems for any adult trying to live a healthy, relational life…Implicit memories can trigger responses from us that cause us to act in ways we don’t want to… So the next time you find yourself reacting a bit too strongly when you’re upset with your kids, ask yourself, ‘Is my response here making sense?’ … By integrating your implicit and explicit memories and shining the light of awareness on difficult moments from your past, you can gain insight into how your past is impacting your relationship with your children … Then you can bring your former experiences into the present and weave them into the larger story of your life…You can make sense of our own life, which will help your kids do the same with theirs.”

I’m not sure you can play a guessing game with yourself, but you can learn to be more reflective and pay attention to your feelings. I have identified moments where I feel at odds with the situation, but I am still sorting out the source. Even if I may not like what I find out about myself or my past feelings, I want to keep working on myself, so I can teach what I learn to my children and improve our relationship. I want to develop and nurture our relationship, and I hope you do too.

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By Annie, July 5, 2012 9:00 am

To set up these next strategies in The Whole-Brain Child, Siegel and Bryson, explain memory. Before we can use the next strategies, we need to understand how our memory works and that there are two kinds of memory: implicit and explicit. The authors help us by describing memory:

“As an association machine, the brain processes something in the present moment—an idea, a feeling, a smell, an image—and links that experience with similar experiences from the past. These past experiences strongly influence how we understand what we see or feel … The brain continually prepares itself for the future based on what happened before. Memories shape our current perceptions by causing us to anticipate what will happen next.”

The other thing about memory is that, “whenever you retrieve a memory, you alter it … Thus memories are distorted—sometimes slightly, sometimes greatly—even though you believe you are being accurate … the story you actually tell is less history and more historical fictions.”

Now that you know you are actually telling historical fiction, you also need to know that there are two kinds of memory: implicit and explicit. The memory that enables you to do something without knowing that you are remembering is implicit memory while the conscious recollection of a past experience is explicit memory. And, “what’s crucial to understand about implicit memory—especially when it comes to our kids and their fears and frustrations—is that implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works, based on our previous experiences.”

If you are a parent of a child from a hard place, you should know your child could be acting out of fear from things they are not even aware they are remembering. So being able to bring awareness to our children and giving them voice are the keys for integrating memory. You can help your child bring their implicit memory into awareness and integrate their memory by empowering and encouraging them to use their voice. One way for your child to use their voice is through telling their story.

Whole-Brain Strategy #6: Use the Remote of the Mind: Replaying Memories wants us to help our children tell their story as they are ready, to replay what they need, pause when they need a break, fast forward through scary parts until they’re ready, and rewind and do it again as needed. While the idea of replaying memories may sound simplistic, I think replaying bad or scary memories goes against our natural instinct to push aside bad feelings and scary memories. We don’t want to dwell on bad memories; we want to move on, so why would we replay them? “Your goal is to help kids take the troubling experiences that are impacting them without their knowledge—the scattered puzzle pieces of their mind—and make those experiences explicit so that the whole picture in the puzzle can be seen with clarity and meaning.”

Elise and I had a traumatic experience last week. We were swimming at a friend’s house. Elise was with her little friend playing on the steps when she decided to reach for her kickboard, and she couldn’t quite get a handle on it before she fell off. My friend jumped in the pool at the same time I ran over to the edge of the pool and pulled Elise out. (That image of Elise right before I pulled her out is burned in my mind.) After she was out, I asked if she was okay, hugged her tight, and I told her that it scared me. She hugged me back, bit me on the shoulder (a fear response), and got back in the pool with her friend.

During the car ride home, Elise said, “Mom, I thought I was going to sink to the bottom and not see you again,” which was accompanied by many tears. I just kept telling her that I was so glad I was there to help her. She was very tearful that evening, and her dad and I just loved on her, reassured her, and assumed she was mostly tired from an eventful day.

The next day Elise didn’t bring up the pool incident. We went to the library, checked out several books, and came home for rest time. During rest time, Elise had been reading her new library books. When I went into her room, she immediately started saying, “Mom, mom, in the bear book something happens and he’s stuck in the water!” I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was really worried about this story. She was flipping hurriedly through the pages to show me where the daddy bear fell out of the boat and the baby bear pulled him out. I don’t remember how I started the conversation. I may have said something like, “Oh he fell in the water like you did yesterday.” And then Elise just started her story, “Yes, I reached for the kickboard and then I sank the first time. I held my breath and sank again. Then you came and pulled me out. I thought I was going to sink to the bottom.” I asked her if she was scared. She said yes, and I told her I was scared too. And that I was so thankful I was there to help her. We talked some more about swimming and being safe, and then she moved on and asked me to read her chicken book from the library.

A more natural response for me would have been to assure Elise that the bear was fine and show her the rest of the book—to put the past behind us, and I would have missed completely what was going on.  And Elise would still be scared. I credit The Whole-Brain Child with helping me understand what to look for in my child and teaching me strategies to connect with my child and help her make sense of her world. I also credit The Whole-Brain Child with giving me strategies to help myself cope with that traumatic experience. I pray that you and your child are never as scared as Elise and I were that day. But if you are, replay the story as often as they need it. It will help.