Shame & Grace

At the 2012 Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Conference, I picked up the book Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes. We have had enough moments in our parenting with our children to wonder how this whole idea of shame is affecting us. The more I read this book the more convinced I become that shame is something my family needs to be more conscious of. Smedes describes shame this way:

“To begin with, shame is a very heavy feeling. It is a feeling that we do not measure up and maybe never will measure up to the sorts of persons we are meant to be…The feeling of shame is about our very selves – not about some bad thing we did or said but about what we are. It tells us that we are unworthy. Totally.”

Reading those words breaks my heart and makes me want to not contribute to those feelings. Smedes goes on to describe how shame is different from guilt, frustration, and other emotions. He identifies groups that he thinks are more susceptible to unhealthy shame like “compulsive comparers and approval addicts.” He points out a difference between unhealthy and healthy shame. He suggests religious, cultural, and parental influences that can make us feel shame. And he talks about the shame that comes from the pain of rejection. He says,

“To be disgraceful is to be weighed and found unacceptable to those whom we need to most accept us. It is, in short, to be despised and rejected by our own.”

That last phrase, “…rejected by our own..,” has really stuck with me and so have terms like “compulsive comparers and approval addicts.”  Everything I have read so far is causing me to be more thoughtful and careful with my words to my children and my husband. I think my oldest daughter feels hurts that I can’t imagine, and she needs me to be sensitive to her even when I think what I am asking or saying is trivial because it’s not to her. Everyhing I say to her and do with her is meaningful.

So as I continue to delve into this book, I am glad to have the opportunity to attend Tapestry’s Large Group Event: The Shame in Us:

Adoptive and foster parents are often surprised to learn that shame is a significant issue in the lives of their children…as well as in their own lives.  But parents and children are not without help or hope in the face of shame.  Melanie Chung-Sherman and Michael Monroe will discuss how shame impacts both children and parents in adoptive and foster families, and will provide practical insights and tools to help parents and children overcome shame and strengthen their connection.

I hope to see you at this event, but if you can’t attend the Large Group Event this Saturday, January 26 from 6:30 – 8:30 pm at Irving Bible Church, then I encourage you to check Lewis B. Smedes’s book Shame and Grace. I hope you will find it as insightful as I have.

*This post originally appeared on tapestryministry.org.